Have you ever been plagued by the same thought and decided to simply not consider it? You know, push it away, find a distraction, drink, blow one...just about anything aside from confront, consider and explore what it is that's tapping at you conscious door. Shit, we all do. If you say no, you're likely lying to your Self.
I've been good at lying to myself.
This is a hard point for me to ignore considering the station I find my Self at in life. This is the a particularly dark part of the station I have been unwilling to explore for fear of the demon that I know resides there. The irony is that it's really the lying to others and my justifications of this behavior that has ultimately closed my eyes to the damage I was doing to everyone in my life...including my Self. For years I've avoided this particular demon. Doing so has given it a great deal of power and nourishment. I've fed it, kept it healthy and then allowed it to run loose. I've ignored it's handy work wherever I've seen it...pretending. It becomes very easy to justify little untruths; concealing things that seems unimportant and arbitrary, misleading others about your intentions, etc. It becomes all the easier when my little lies are placed next to some of the things I know other dudes are out here doing. I'm not that bad; see, easy.
Like I said, I've been really good at lying to myself.
Lately I've been looking at the conditions that created this demon. I've ventured further and further into the corridors where it resides. I've been exploring the components and situations that have manifested it. In short, I've been taking a hard look at my Self. It's hard to look at something ugly and see yourself in it. I think that is the reason we ignore so much of what is wrong with our Selves. Otherwise, we simply grow to loath our Self because we DO know the ugly. I know it's the reason I've feared looking into this demon's eyes for so long. It is a major part of why it is easy to ignore it. The demon leaves me alone and I continue to feed it. A reciprocal relationship, no?
Lately I've been trying to figure out what I'm getting out of this relationship.
So, I've decided tonight to venture into the heart of this part of the station. Here I will sit, in quiet meditation, wondering how and when the demon will come. Will I see it coming and be able to plan my response? Will it stealthily creep upon my sitting consciousness seeking to take it by surprise? Does it know I am here? I tell my Self I must not be concerned with such things. We only need to be ready. We only need to prepare.
I can't express to you the myriad pieces that become tainted or allowed to fail beyond repair simply by obscuring the truth of the situation. When dealing with a possession such as a vehicle or a house, it likely means the loss of said possession. When dealing with people, it likely means the loss of trust, bonds and relationships. Either way, I'm tired of loosing what I've worked to establish. So I've vowed to train my Self to stand in truth. To prepare for the demon's return by withdrawing the fear that has fed it.
I've decided to fight.
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